THE Trauma

April 16, 2012 by ChristaDoodles 3 Comments

I have to say I really soft sold a portion of my childhood in my little “My story” section of this blog. Why? Because of shame? Guilt? Or more likely I just wasn’t ready to deal with it yet and even writing this post I am not so sure of how my friends will respond.

In my bio section it says my step family had “boundary issues”, I now can call it what it was, sexual abuse. Its real and has affected too many innocent men and women long after the incidents have taken place, myself included.

I’ve been feeling just so off lately, I couldn’t place what it was. I was putting distance between my husband and I and I just couldn’t understand why. So like everything else I tried to just bury the feeling and move on.

Until the Friday morning we were going to leave for Seattle.
I read a tweet, just a random tweet someone posted about how they were doing some activity or something to avoid being raped. The very first thing that popped into my head was “Well I’m fat I don’t have to worry about being raped.” Then it was like a light went off in my head. Since I can remember any time I’d been out late or walking even in the daytime I felt safe, like my weight was a protective barrier against sexual assault. Then another light went off, I was sexually abused by my step-father and step-grandmother. The extent of which I still block out, but it happened, I know it and like everything else have buried it.
But at that moment, after that knee jerk thought/reaction, everything seriously all fell into place. I haven’t been overweight/obese my entire life. I really started gaining weight around age 9, the abuse started a couple years earlier. Like my mom drilled into my head over and over,

“No one would love you if you’re fat honey.”

My little brain thought that if I gained weight no one would want me and I would be safe from any more sexual advances. I wouldn’t have to be made uncomfortable by unwanted sexual attention any longer. What I didn’t realize was that the attention I would get, would come in the form of bullying for my weight all through school, self loathing, negative body image, a multitude of health problems and now intimacy problems with the person I am so in love with it cannot be equated…well maybe in a Jane Austen novel..
He doesn’t care how much weight I gain he still finds me attractive and its been confusing me. Which was even more confusing because in a healthy and strong relationship that’s what its all about. Love.

Now that I’ve finally found my trigger, the smoking gun to all this self abuse I feel like I can really start the healing process. Which I feel will also be crucial to my weight loss, I know the why and the how. It only took me 20 years to figure it out and I wish I could remember the person on Twitter that helped my epiphany so I could thank them. I have my work cut out for me, it has been in my head that being overweight makes you disgusting and that feeling sexual is disgusting it will take quite a bit of time to get through.

I’ve started reading “The Sexual Healing Journey” and will be getting into contact with a therapist to work through this. A quote from the book really got me.

“I had to acknowledge I was a victim before I could see myself as a survivor”*

I’ve always been a fighter and a thriver but I never really want to go into why or what. I don’t want anyone to see me as weak, needing help. I’ve had a job since I was 15 and been a “grownup” since I was 9 years old. I am working on opening up and being more vulnerable, this post is a means of a step to start that.